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Strange Old Lady
A strange old lady has moved into my house
I don't know where she came from
I have no idea how she got in.
I certainly did not invite her!
But I do wish she would leave!
She is messing up my life!
She is a clever old lady.
She manages to keep out of sight
but...... sometimes whenever I pass a mirror
I catch a glimpse of her.
And whenever I look directly into the mirror
there she is hogging the whole thing
She is very rude
I have tried screaming at her to stop it
BUT...
She just screams right back,
She is quite frightening!
I think she is stealing money from me
when I go to the bank and withdraw some money
Well she spends it all, before I get a chance to
You would think she would use the money
to buy some wrinkle cream
God knows she needs it!
And money isn't the only thing she is taking
Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate
especially the good stuff, like cookies & ice cream
She must really have a sweet tooth
But she'd better watch it
Because she is really packing on those pounds
I think she is the one
who has been tampering with my scales
Making me think that I am putting on weight
For an old lady, she is quite childish
She likes to play nasty games on me
She goes into my closet when I am not home
And alters my clothes so they will not fit
She messes with my files and papers
so that I can't find them
She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record
She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines
and blurs the print so badly that I can't see it
And she has done something else!!
She messed with the volumn controls
on my TV, radio and telephone
So that all I hear is whispers and mumbles
She has done other things too
Like make my stairs steeper
My vacuum cleaner heavier
and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn
She even made my bed higher!!
She gets into my groceries before I get them put away
AND she applies super glue to the lids!
She sneaks into my car when I go shopping
She has really taken the fun out of shopping for me
When I try on a dress,
She jumps right in front of the mirror
In the exact same outfit
She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit
Plus she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me
And wouldn't you know it!
Just last week when I went to get my drivers license renewed
Just when the picture was ready to be snapped
She jumped right in front of the camera
Who is going to believe that picture is of ME?

=============================
When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Poem by: Jenny Joseph

Life After 50
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work!
The gleam in your eyes is the sun hitting your biofcals!
Your little black book contain only names ending with M.D.
You feel like the night before and you haven't even been anywhere
Your children begin to look middle aged
Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.
You know all the answers -but nobody asks the questions
Your knees buckle - but your belt won't!
You sit in a rocking chair - but can't get it going
Your back goes out more often than you do.
You remember today, that yesterday was your anniversary
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when a pretty girl walks by
You are startled the first time you are addressed as "OLD TIMER"
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there!

I Can't Remember!
Just a line to say I'm living
That I'm not among the dead
Though I am getting more forgetful
And mixed up in my head
I got used to my arthritis
to my dentures I'm resigned
I can manage my biofocals
but oh how I miss my mind
for sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs
Am I going up for something
Or have I just come down from there
And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is in doubt
Have I just put food away, OR
Am I taking something out
And there's times when it is dark
With my nightcap on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
OR just getting out of bed
So, if its my turn to write
there's no need to get sore
I may think that I have written
and don't want to be a bore
So, remember that I love you
and wish you were near
But now it is mail time
So I must say good bye dear
There I stand beside the mailbox
With my face so very red
Instead of mailing you this letter
I had opened it instead.

ARKANSAS mom writing to ARKANSAS son

I'm writing slow,'cause I know you can't read very fast.

We don't live where we did when you left
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address
as the last ARKANSAS family that lived here
took the numbers with them for their next house
so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine
The first day I put four shirts in it,
and pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since

It rained twice this week
Three days the first time and four days the second time

About the coat you wanted me to send you,
Aunt Sue said that it would be too heavy to send
it in the mail with all those heavy buttons on it
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets

We got a bill from the funeral home,
said if we didn't pay the last payment on grandma's funeral
Up she comes

About your sister.. she had a baby this morning
I haven't heard if it was a boy or a girl
so I don't know if you are an uncle or an aunt.

Your uncle John fell into the whiskey vat
Some men tried to pull him out
But he fought them off, so he drowned
We cremated him.. and he burned for three days

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
One was driving, the other two were in the back.
The driver got out.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety
The other two drowned,
they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Love Ma

Wisdom From Senior Citizens
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
21. Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip around the sun.
22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if your in the bathroom.
23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
24. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).
25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26.When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
27. If you are living on the edge, make sure your wearing your seatbelt.
28. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
32. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

TO My Children

When I spill some food on my nice clean dress
Or maybe forget to tie my shoe
Please be patient and perhaps reminisce,
About the many hours I spent with you,
When I taught you how to eat with care,
Plus tying laces and your numbers, too,
Dressing yourself and combing your hair,
Those were precious hours spent with you,
So when I forget what I was about to say
Just give me a minute --- or maybe two.
It probably wasn't important anyway,
And I would much rather listen to you.
If I tell the story one more time,
And you know the ending through and through
Please remember your first nursery rhyme
When I rehearsed it a hundred times with you.
When my legs are tired and it's hard to stand
Or walk with a steady pace that I would like to do
Please take me carefully by the hand
And guide me now as I oft did for you.

Walking With Grandma
I love to walk with Grandma
Her steps are short like mine
She doesn't say, "Now hurry up."
She always takes her time.
I like to walk with Grandma
Her eyes see things like mine do
Wet pebbles bright. A funny cloud
that brightens the skies of blue
Most people have to hurry
They just don't stop and see
I'm glad that God made Grandma
Unrushed and young like me!

Old Age - It's Later than you think!
It's later than you think - everything is farther away
It's twice as far to the corner - and they added a hill
I've had to stop running for the bus.. it leaves faster than it used to
Did you notice the steps are steeper now?
And have you noticed the print in the newspaper.. they now make it smaller.
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud
Everyone talks in such a low voice I can scarcely hear them
Material in dresses is so skimpy especially around the hips.
It is almost impossible to reach my shoe laces.
Even people are changing -
they are much younger than they used to be when I was their age.
On the other hand, people my age are much older than I.
I ran into an old classmate the other day
She was so old that she almost didn't remember me
I got to thinking about the old thing this morning when I was combing my hair
and I glanced into the mirror..and confound it
They aren't making mirrors like they used to either!