Allen Family Circus

GEORGE
Well, Gracie, any news from home?

GRACIE
Yes. I got a letter from my little niece, Jean.

GEORGE
What did she say?

GRACIE
She didn't say anything. She didn't phone. It was a letter, and she wrote it.

GEORGE
I mean what did she write?

GRACIE
It's Spring again, and my family is putting on a backyard circus, just like we did when I was a kid.

GEORGE
Every Spring you kids used to put on your own circus?

GRACIE
Yes. Of course, admission was free, but that was only for the people who could afford it.

GEORGE
Well, that's because we're living in a democracy.

GRACIE
Oh yes, isn't it nice.... Anyway, my Cousin Barney was the sword swallower, and what a performance he put on. The kids would cheer when he put a sword four feet long down his throat.

GEORGE
Could Barney really swallow a sword?

GRACIE
Oh, George, don't be silly, it was a trick. You know the scabbard that the sword fits into?

GEORGE
Yeah.

GRACIE
Well, before the show he would stick that down his throat.

GEORGE
I see.

GRACIE
Then when he'd slip the sword into it...

GEORGE JOINING GRACIE
...everybody thought he was swallowing it.

GRACIE
Yeah.

GEORGE
It's a shame to fool the public like that.

GRACIE
But the admission was free.

GEORGE
Oh, I forgot.

GRACIE
And Uncle Otis was the strong man. He'd come out in a leopard skin and put big nails in his mouth and twist them between his teeth until they'd bend.

GEORGE
That's quite a trick.

GRACIE
Yes, but he looked pretty ridiculous walking around with all those bent teeth.

GEORGE
Well, they'd come in handy if he happened to get a crooked ear of corn.

GRACIE
Oh, you live and learn.... And Aunt Gertrude was the snake charmer.

GEORGE
Aunt Gertrude? The one who's so near-sighted?

GRACIE
Yes. She had a little snake and she was supposed to put it in a basket and then blow on a flute until the snake stuck its head up. And what do you suppose happened one Saturday afternoon?

GEORGE
She put the flute in the basket and blew on the snake.

GRACIE
Wasn't that awful!

GEORGE
That must have upset her.

GRACIE
Oh, George, it wasn't a real snake. It was just a few worms tied together.

GEORGE
Well, that's better. Who else was in the side show?

GRACIE
One of the big hits was Uncle Harvey and Aunt Clara.

GEORGE
What was there act?

GRACIE
Half man...half woman.

GEORGE
But didn't you have two halves left over?

GRACIE
Oh no, they both got into one costume.

GEORGE
Now I get the picture.

GRACIE
George, it wasn't a picture, they did it in person.

GEORGE
What was your part in the circus?

GRACIE
I was the lion tamer.

GEORGE
You were the lion tamer?

GRACIE
Of course I just used our house cat. For two weeks before the circus I taught her all kinds of tricks...to sit on a pedestal, to roll over, to play dead.

GEORGE
Sounds like a pretty smart cat.

GRACIE
Yes, but when she got in front of the sudience she forgot all her tricks and just had kittens.

GEORGE
That must have caused a sensation.

GRACIE
It was...but what good was it? The silly cat wouldn't do it again for the second performance.

GEORGE
Say good night, Gracie.

GRACIE
Good night.