On...

...his unique talent: ...First you have to have a talent. You have to develop this talent. Then you have to marry her like I did!

...lack of talent: For thirty years my act consisted of one joke...and then she died.

...politics: Isn't a shame that the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs.

...his honesty: I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.

...Jack Benny: When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

...his singing talent: I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

...talking: I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

...happiness: Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.

...his attractiveness: When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they cheked out.

...old age: Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.